It is twenty minutes before the start of the show. Camera crews are running around, throwing and catching film reels. Correspondants from major networks anxiously loosen their ties, waiting to broadcast. But, there a legend in the awards business waiting about, smelling the air. They will be the first ones to broadcast. And 6 million viewers will tune into them. They are...Joan and Mellisa Rivers!Joan: Hello, and welcome to the pre-award broadcast for the 3rd Somewhat-Periodically-Held Scenario Design Awards!
Mellisa: It's a b-e-a-utiful night out here, perfect for the awards!
Joan: Ooo! Look, the nominees and invitees are starting to walk down the carpet.
Mellisa: There's Archaeopterix soaring down from the skies!
Joan: And here comes the fruit! Papaya and I Love Bananas!
Mellisa: I've always loved the fruits. They're so delicious!
Joan: Here comes the people with actual names! Oscar, Matei, Stephen Caines, and Felix Hermansson!
Mellisa: What's this? The lights are turning out! And there's a glowing red light over there!
Joan: We know what that means! Sith is here!
Mellisa: The awards should be starting any minute now. Lights flicker out, spotlight goes on stage.Joan: And here's the host coming out!
*Applause fills the theatre*FD2: Hello, and welcome everyone to the 3rd Somewhat-Periodically-Held Scenario Design Awards! I'm your host, FD2!*Applause*FD2: The first award, of the best scenario of the year, goes to Oscar for The Lost Legion!*Applause as Oscar walks up to the stage*Oscar: This is such an honor! I'd like to thank the academy, and everyone who voted. I'd also like to thank my parents for supporting me through the process, my manager for helping me find this game, my roomate for all the awesome parties, my second cousin for calling me on the phone when I had writer's block, my monkey's uncle for...FD2 nods to Sith as he walks up on stage and slashes Oscar with a lightsaberFD2: I'm sorry, I forgot to mention the zero tolerance policy on long acceptance speeches. Sith will help be enforce this. Now, everyone likes a good time online, so the next award is for Best Multiplayer scenario. And the award goes to...BESTGUYEVER402 for Cat and Mouse XXXtreme Edition! King Jared walks on stageKing Jared: Uh, FD2, he wasn't even nominated.
FD2: Sorry, it was a personal bias. Cat and Mouse XXXtreme Edition gave me long hours of happiness.
King Jared: Whatever, FD. Just whatever. Whatever floats your boat.
FD2: I'll choose to take that as a compliment. A smaller boat is more lightweight, and thus races faster.
King Jared: But what is the velocity of a swallow?
FD2: An African swallow or a European swallow?1
King Jared: A Caldera! The award goes to Heroines from Arch and Shrink!Archaeopterix swoops down and grabs the trophy, as Shrink walks up the red carpetArch: Yay.
Shrink: Yay.Sith nods in approval of the speech lengthFD2: The next award is for the people with internet. Which represents no one reading this. Because, the winner of best single player scenario is...Heroes Chronicles by Guardian!Thousands of Guardian smurfs clutter the stage, as Sith takes out his bansaber and slashes them all and they disappearSith: Heh, they forgot to take the trophy. Sith pockets trophyFD2: Next is the one and only Best Designer. That's right. Best designer ever (not really, just for this year). That's serious bragging rights ('til next year, unless you win again, which is a violation of new Jersey state law). The award goes to...Oscar!Music starts playing, Oscar is nowhere to be seen; FD2 glances at SithSith: Oh, his first speech was too long. I should have used the Stunsaber if I knew he would win again.
FD2:The next award for best campaign goes to...The Guardians! ApplauseSith: Oh, Oscar made that too.FD2: Um, let's see what's a category Oscar wasn't nominated for...er...oh, Best cinematography! Going almost uncontested, the clear winner is The Vandhall for The Rhinegold!The Vandhall runs on stage, grabs the trophy, spraypaints the curtains, and runs awaySith: Why the spraypaint?
King Jared: His name is The Vandal, duh.
Sith: We should start reading names and not pronouncing them.
King Jared: But what if someone is saying the awards out loud while they read them?
Sith: We're screwed.
King Jared: Quite.FD2: The next award for best cinematic goes to Mythic Cops by ptfq! Mythic Cops, being a cinematic, grossed over $526 million opening weekend.ptfq walks up stageptfq: I'd like to take this monet to remind everyone my name is ptfq, not ptqf. That is all. You may leave now.People start leaving the theatreFD2: No! The awards aren't over yet! Quick, someone do something!FD2 glances at Papaya to save the dayPapaya: Uh, ok...uh, I'm a fruit! I'm a fruit! I'm a fruity fruity little fruit! I'm a fruit! I'm a fruit! I'm a fruity fruity little fruit!People start entering the theatre againFD2: It worked! This calls for the dancing bananas!FD2: The next award, in the same area is best cinematographer and it's a tie beweetn The Vandhall and ptfq! ptfq and Vandhall walk upSith: You guys already made speeches. Sit down. Or I'll get my bansaber. Yeah. What now, punk?FMT floats downFMT: Abusing forums with staff powers. Now you will know what if feels like, Sith.GillB slashes Sith with bansaberSpineman: Yarr!
FD2: Anyway, the next award for best modpack goes to AOMplayer's New Units Pack!King Jared: Uh, he left HG a while ago. FD2 pockets trophyFD2: Getting more trchnical as we speak, the next awards for Best RMS and Best RMS Scripter go to Norse Wars and Matei, respectively.Matei walks up to the stage, a script in hand of what to sayMatei: Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent, a new nation, conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal...uh...this isn't what I wrote. The scripts must have been exchanged!
FD2: I'm sorry, but you're over your time limit. YOu may take a seat, Matei. The next award for best utility goes to the one, the only, reyk's new editor! Applause as reyk is nowhere to be seenKing Jared: He doesn't post here much.
FD2: Surely you can't be serious!
King Jared: I am serious, and don't call me Shirley.
FD2: Moving along, the Best Critic award goes to...AOMplayer, who can't be here tonight.
Papaya: If he is so unbias, why isn't he here. Does he have a bias against us?
FD2: No, I think he just read OD. The last of our regular awards, the Pointless award, (which was a great scenario) goes to the cinematic Mythic Cops by ptfq!Applasuse as ptfq walks on stageptfq: I forgot to say one thing last time I was up there. I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by siwtching to Geico! I saved over 15%!A few people exit the theatre and run to the nearest Geico officeFD2:Coming to present the special awards is former seraph Soccy! Now in un-corrupted form!
Soccy: Thank you, thank you. It's great to be back again!Soccy puts on reading glassesSoccy:Er...let's see...The Cheezy Award for the most productive community member goes to...King Jared!
King Jared: I'm King. You got that right. Hell yeah.
Soccy:The title-is-self-explanatory Designer Achievement Awards goes to...OscarApplauseFD2: Oh, that's right. He got hit with Sith's bansaber. He doesn't need to talk anyway, though. He's cleaning up.
King Jared: *ahem*
FD2: Yes?
King Jared: I'm also cleaning up.
FD2: You've won once.
King Jared: You just wait, FD. You. Just. Wait.
Soccy: Now we'd like a moment of silence to remember Shiva, our former seraph that passed away this year. silenceSOccy: And the Shiva Memorial Award for same outstanding leadership, compassion, helpfulness, and charisma that Shiva had, goes to...King Jared!
King Jared: Told you, FD2. Hell, that rhymes. Sweet.
Joan:That was a great broadcast we had of the 3rd Somewhat-Periodically-Held Scenario Design Awards!
Mellisa: And we'll be back next year.
Joan: Or before or after, being periodically held.