I think my main negative reaction to the scenario was because of the confusion caused by the objectives and overlapping triggers. Clear those up and the 'fun' factor will go up as well.
Balance - 1
I gave balance a 1, since there is little to no influence from the player on the outcome (other than clicking on things in the right order). There just wasn't any challenge, or replay value. I know RPGs are built around the idea of following a story, but I'd like to see some thought required from the player in order to win.
Creativity - 2
I went with a 2 for creativity, because some thought went into the objectives/miniquests... but not enough for anything higher. I’d like to see a little more thought put into the ‘why’ of the objectives, beyond a generic ‘Go forth and kill Monster A’.
Map Design - 3
The little town was cute, but the three miniquests need more definition visually. There is not a whole lot on this map other than the town and a few trees... try to build up the Anubite and Mummy areas like you did the Shades, or even the town (if you want to go into that much detail ^_^). The fires and the corpses were a great touch for the Shades, perhaps a more graveyard look for the Mummy and some Egyptian flair for the Anubites?
Story / Instructions - 1
First thing, grammar and punctuation are not optional, no matter how much of a newbie you are to designing. There is no faster way to annoy your players than make them have to spend time deciphering everything.
Second, the view should start focus/centered on the unit, not off to one side. This is easily done by placing a 'Camera Start' object, linked to Player 1, next to the unit.
Third, the objectives, even when deciphered were confusing to follow. The first objective presented was simply a 'click on everything in this order' note, which could easily have been split up among the other objectives. As a subnote to this, you can setup blocks or gates to each objective that vanish when the previous quest is completed.
Fourth, two of the three objectives require that the Hints be turned on, otherwise the player is killed for lack of upgrades. Perhaps you can find another way to work that information into the story? On this map players are more likely to trigger the wrong thing by investigative clicking.